Bit of a change this week as I am attempting to write the ‘Ode’ as Option is in Rome, filling his face with pasta and his ever-growing belly with wine, under the guise of work! Hopefully Option will be granted an audience with his Holiness The Pope and get him to don a Moos jersey for a website picture.

I apologise in advance if this write up is not up to ‘Option Big Calf’s Ruddy Face’s’ usual wafflings, but I have not got as much time on my hands! I also apologise to my fellow Moos for the incessant squeaking of my disc brake. You will be pleased to know that I have booked the bike into ‘Johnny Gonzo the Mechanics’ garage for a full service! Should be ready by The Spring! Shortage of fairy liquid apparently!

With 14 Moos out this week, the ride was taken by Bernaard ‘Lard Arse’ ‘Poncherello’ who thinks he is a bit of a ‘king of the mountains’, so the Moos anticipated a hilly trip with not much technical tight riding between trees, etc (as Berni's arse proves to be a bit of a squeeze between 5ft gaps!). But the CHiPs look-alike surprised us all with a ride encompassing a wide variety of terrain. Although on the whole ‘Ponch’ controlled the ride very well, he must remember to make sure to watch over all of his flock and make sure they receive proper directions. On one occasion a situation arose where the writer was ‘left behind’ following a mechanical problem, not knowing where the main group was headed. For such an experienced rider such as myself it was not too much of a problem. By using my keen sense of direction and by tracking the position of the moon, picked up from many hours ‘out on the trail’ I was able pick up the scent and re-group with the main pack. But for an inexperienced Moo the outcome could have been disastrous! Bernaard should bear this in mind for future rides!

During the mid-ride refreshment stop, at the Maenllwyd, our esteemed Captain was heard to say over his pint of Rocking Rudolph, ‘My chain came off when I was at the back of the group, and I felt all alone in the woods with the owls and other wild animals. I was very scared!’ Obviously ‘Gollum Pet-Twat Crock’ was leading Frodo and Sam up to the Maenllwyd at this point, dodging Orks, so could not assist the Captain during his minute of need. All was not lost though as our Leader eventually heard in the distance the dulcet tones of the Dez belch! and was able track the main group. We also heard Dez give out a scream during this part of the ride when he attempted to sneakily sprint past a group of half a dozen Moos who got stuck in some deep mud. The attack do not last though, as moments later Dez became unstuck himself after losing his front wheel and bouncing off two trees!!!

Please note that Captain Scripps also left an unfinished pint in the Maenllwyd!!! This is the second time in three weeks that this has happened!

A fast-paced heart-stopping descent over Gaz’s jump found us arriving at the Fwrrwm where Dez was met by his twin brother sitting in the corner, who was pissed out of his head after apparently drinking water! Obviously the witty repertoire runs in the family as his eloquent outbursts suggested!

Kev ‘ Harold Bishop’ joined us shortly after arriving at the Fwrrwm stating the reason for not riding was an incident on Ramsey Street earlier in the day. Bouncer had escaped and all the Neighbours were frantically trying to find him. To everyone’s joy Bouncer was eventually found. He had apparently run straight up Nel Mangles back alley and through her back door! This delay though meant that Harolds famous carrot cake and muffins were burnt, so he had to fix up a new batch for the coffee shop. Madge was not impressed!!

After a taxing afternoon shift slaving over a hot teapot Anthony ‘ Ryan The Steam’ also joined us in the Fwrrwm for the post ride refreshments. Ant wants to invite all to a ‘tea tasting’ session that he is organising on Friday 17th December at the Church Rooms, Machen. The event will be sponsored by Twinings of London who produce a wide variety of specialist teas for every taste. Anthony would like to point out that for further background reading on this very interesting subject please look at www.teatimeworldwide.com which has a very interesting article outlining an interview with Jane Pettigrew co-author of ‘The New Tea Companion’!

Congratulations must again go to Dez the Belch for cracking not one but two jokes last night. Obviously practicing for his after dinner speech at the Moos curry night!!

Congratulations also to Gaz ‘Christopher Reeves’ who, by the request of Crock, flew into the atmosphere backwards around the earth to turn back time, after Crock had made an arse of himself trying to chat up Cunny at the bar!

And lastly to Jock who I am told on good authority rode the ‘Wall of Death’ outside the Fwrrwm under the influence of at least seven pints!

Roll on next week for the Xmas ride. I have made sure that my mother has already reserved a bed in casualty at the Royal Gwent with the name ‘S Hart’ on it!!

Yours in riding,

‘The White Rivaldo’