It’s hard to believe that it is a year ago since Stevie Hart failed to negotiate the Oak steps, and ended up spending the night down at A+E at The Royal Gwent, but it is, which meant that it was time for The Machen Miggly Moos second Christmas ride. There were certain things which remained the same as last year, everyone came dressed as Santa with their bikes decorated, and Crock once again turned up with Karaoke machine and microphone attached to his back, blasting out Festive tunes. The major difference this year was in the turn out, with no less than 17 Miggly Moo Santa’s joining the ride. What a sight, little children jumping with joy to see so many Father Christmas’s riding through the middle of the village, although the illusion was somewhat shattered with Dez bringing up the rear, and belching loudly like a stinking old foghorn, proving once again the guy’s quite ‘extraordinary’ social and communication skills!!
The ride being ably led by Captain Bernard Scripps, started with a quick livener in the Legion, with the Captain, not wanting to fill his colostomy bag up so soon in the evening, leaving half a pint on the bar again. Then it was a quick dash down the main street in Machen, and to the Royal Oak, where the habit of leaving beer unfinished at the bar was passed to Crock who attempted to leave over half a pint! Again another mad spurt, with an offroad section thrown in, and we were at the Hollybush. This is where Dez decided to show his kleptomaniac tendencies (that means you can’t help stealing things Dez) and he proceeded to remove the fairy from the top of the tree. It is not the behavior that we want associated with the Moos and he was severely reprimanded and the rest of us decided not to give him his Christmas present from the Moos, so Ant is now going to get a refund on the Speak and Spell machine that we had bought him!!!
With ‘magpie’ Dez suitably dealt with, it was off to the Maenllwyd, where the steady mile climb from the Hollybush, seemed a lot harder than usual, but Gaz and the Captain dragged us on at a steady pace to our next port of call. As always the ‘Maen’ was packed, and as always there were only 2 bar staff on duty, which meant it took over 25 minutes to get served, which tonight wasn’t a bad thing as it allowed Kev 'Harold Bishop' Gallon to catch up, although he reckons he had stopped along the way to pick some wild berries and juniper to add to his new line of Christmas cakes that he was planning to fix up at the coffee shop!
Before we had time to settle, we were on our way to The Fishermans Rest, Dez this time was the one who was setting the pace, and before long he was out of sight. So it was quite strange when after about a mile, we came across Dez who was stationary in the middle of the lane with the words SLOW ARAF painted on the road in front him. When we questioned him as to what he was doing, he pointed to the road and said ‘look it says STOP HERE’!!!! Perhaps we had better let him have the Speak and Spell after all!!!!
On entering the ‘Fish’ Crock and his karaoke were mobbed by a bunch of raucous girls who dragged him across to their table and had an impromptu sing a long . An impromptu something else was obviously on Scrippsy’s mind as he was heard saying ‘man did you see her Bristol’s?’ before rushing off to the toilet……… obviously to empty his colostomy!! Whilst Crock was busy entertaining, Mark Owgie was busy helping himself to the odd titbit that was on offer from the girls, couple of sprouts, carrots etc. that they had left on their plates, while the rest of us tried to stop Tom from drooling into his pint (it’s not as if he has never seen a large pair before)!!
After Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas’, and a John Lennon classic, it was out of the door and up the main road in Bedwas to the Church House. As ever we were guaranteed a good welcome in what has become our ‘second home’ and Joan (Rivers) had laid on sandwiches once again for us. After a slightly extended stay, everyone was ready for the final leg of the ride back to the Fwrrwmm.
We all left the Church House at the same time, but the journey times back to HQ differed quite considerably, with it taking between 20 minutes, from the person to arrive first to the last of the stragglers to appear. Once everyone was settled down we soon noticed that we had a new member. On the journey from the Church House Chrissy and Ant had managed to pick up a rabbit, and he was now making an appearance. At this point The Captain couldn’t believe that the boys had found the only alcoholic rabbit in the valley, because every time he turned his back the rabbit could be found with his head half way down Scrippsy pint!!! After ‘supping from about 3 of Scrippsy’s pints, old ‘Bright Eyes’ decided it was time for bed and proceeded to nestle down in the Captain’s helmet!
Thanks once again to Cunny and Quim who laid on a wonderful festive party spread, of which everyone appreciated. The night was drawing to a close but there was just enough time for the Captain to perform what is now becoming a party trick of his, whereby he sneaks into the ladies toilet and out of the back door, and is home before anyone notices he has left. Although he has fooled us with this trick, there was no fooling his new ‘drinking buddy’ Mr Bright Eyes the rabbit, who followed the Captain home and was last seen trying to climb through his letter box!!!!!!!!!!
The photos of the night are now on the pictures section. Just to finish off this week I have written another’Who Am I’ about one of the Moos!
This young man of Italian stock,
Is better off riding on solid hard rock.
‘Cause as things begin to get muddy and wet,
Then you will see him beginning to sweat.
For everyone knows of his sizeable arse
And his riding soon turns to a terrible farce.
For the weight of his rump is too heavy to bear
And he sinks into the mud in utter despair.
But this is not the story’s end
As countless saddles his buttocks bend
But the others he straddles with his bloody great rear
Tend to get lodged and disappear
So if you’re ever in need of a saddle to sit
And you don’t give a damn if it’s covered in shit
Just give him a ring because he won’t mind
He’s got his own saddle shop right up his behind
He’s easy to find and his prices are fair
The man with the arse and the bouffant hair!
RS James 2004
