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Captain's Corner- Captain Moo the Turd Waffles

8th February 2006

Are you sitting Comfortably?

The Moos Wednesday nights ride was taken by “Christopher Reeve” aka “Gaz”. Thirteen riders started from the Legion into the woods for some single track slog which quickly turned to disaster for some riders, for various reasons. The pace was good and we soon warmed up, going up the tracks we normally ride down.

This proved to be a tough challenge for the younger riders (thirty somethings) as they have not built up their stamina yet.

“Dai Eye” was lucky to escape his “skating” session descending a section of “Jeff Warlords” aka “Beaker” single track, (something el capitan failed on). This section also claimed the lights of “Dai Shop”, a branch catching the cable to his expensive light and tearing it out of its fitting. “Night Night” Dai Shop.

Garlic Lane had to be done as it was decided by the dafter Moos that it would be very wet and slippery which in turn would cause utter carnage, which it did. Screams of impending crashes and swearing could be heard through the trees until everyone reached the lane at the bottom. “Gollom” aka Crocky was boasting through his Dog Breath, “that was easy”. Bullpoo! The Captain watched him fall off and hit a tree close to the top, Dog breath should be changed to “Bull breath” or “Porkie Pie Gollum”.

Ochrwyth beckoned and a climb to the top of Machen Mountain, on route Captain and ex- capt Mark decided a little “Pincer” movement on unsuspecting riders they were about to pass, notably “Dermot”, box him in and a little pull on his front brake tested “Dermots” familiarity of his new SPDs, he was not very familiar! he fell to the tarmac still connected to his steed and hurting his hip, shouting, swearing and crying (real tears). All was forgiven with a gentle squeeze to the Capts neck at the top and a Double “Jamesons” for the Irishmans suffering. This leads me on to the supposed staggered start for this climb, slower riders first etc, Strawbs “I’ll stay with Dermot, he is my Best Friend”, he didn’t look after him at all, around the first bend and out of sight he was gone, he had cheated ( Tw*t of month perhaps?) and left Dermot alone.

To the corner of the woods on Machen Mountain and down a new single track found by Gaz, excellent track, the capt hit a rock and swiftly went over the bars, bent brake lever and cut elbow. Scrippsy had disappeared, he stayed at the back and quietly left a message with another backmarker Gollom, “I can’t do single track descents anymore cause my neck urts guv”.

The Tradesmans was in sight for some refreshments and tomfoolery. A huge pile of chicken wings, chips and bread & butter was swiftly munched and washed down with some ale, thanks to the TA for their hospitality.

Has anybody seen the missing Vice Captain, he is five feet two inches tall and has a 18 inch inside leg with huge “Little Cows”, dark hair and a “Tag” watch, we are concerned for his well being, (there is no reward for his safe return).

That’s all folks!

Capt Moo the Turd.

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