Struggling for a ride leader this week so Captain reverted to a drawing of lots to see who would lead.
Numbers were large this week, just touching 30.
Knotty drew the first lot and it was him to do the ride report – which incidentally he hasn’t done, so Captain has bailed him out.
Jar drew the leader of the second hour, Simon drew the pub choice – it
was to be the Maenlwyd and that left three lots, with only Captain
left to draw, and so it was I who got to lead the bloody ride after
all – well first hour.
Short and Sharp was the plan – half way up the Bus Stops, we cut back down the singletrack to the Cwm / Quarry – Trail in excellent condition as it is fairly under used, but it does have the tricky entrance, which having seen nearly all the boys struggle on getting over – Simon Clarke set off with such confidence and control that Knotty (Yes that’s Steve Knott, who was to do this report) stating ‘look how smooth he is riding that, Go On Simon’. Well it may be worthwhile being smooth but you should turn your handlebars so the bike stays on the trail, and not keep going straight down, down, down into the ferns, and eventually ending up on your arse!!! Smooth riding Simon !
At the bottom, the herd had gathered waiting their instructions – it was back up the same climb, this time to the top, and onward to the See-Saw run.
a balls ache of a climb, especially when the trail narrows at the
top. See-Saw descent seen a change of attack, as most of the quickies
were at the back. Another great trail which was in excellent condition.
With the Maenllwyd set as the destination, it was over to the forestry and straight up the climb. At this point Knotty (you know him, he is the one who said he would do the report) decided he would push to the Maen, as he had punctured and Marty sent Cap’n a text admitting defeat.
Carling Run in the dimming light, was fine with lights, but for
those idiots amongst us without them it was a tad sketchy. That
said safely down, Captain bringing up the rear, it was up the quarry
to do the Quarry run – this time at least 8 of us conceded to the
light and headed straight for the pub. Still no sign of Mike – must
have had at least 5 pints by now.
Russ rallied the troupe and set off for Ade’s run – again only rideable for those with lights, but I did hear that Ade did tackle the ladder bridge without lights and succeeded – is there no end to his talents.
Back at HQ, all talk was about the planning for the weekend and some assumptions were made, such as –
Knotty (great report Steve) might not make it, he doesn’t seem keen – HE DIDN’T
Scrippsy likely to pull out – HE DID
Mark Howells was being ignorant to calls and texts, would he show? – HE DIDN’T
Crockett and Dickie talking of driving up Friday night, bet they wont – THEY DIDN’T
might not stay on the Saturday – HE DIDN’T
A quiet night was had by most, and it is over to Budgie for next weeks flight of fantasy – pressure on as he advises he has never taken a ride before – good luck !!
EX CAPTAINS RIDE REPORT – 1st September 2010
RIDE THEME - PICNMIX
Confusion reigned this week as a ride leader was not identified. Instead the Captain was to arrive sporting a bag of ruffled papers and announced a Picnmix. The Plane in true fashion immediately began to panic and scream (cos he likes to prepare) whilst Cock or is it Crock paying little attention as usual rushed to the fore thinking it was free bag of Kwik Fit tyre vouchers. Next week Cock there will be a free handout of WW11 petrol vouchers kindly donated by Scripsy. The writer only realised the extent of his role in this week’s debacle after receiving a plea of mercy and forgiveness from a certain po-faced member of the Machen Clique who recently made many a constant and excessive comment about a certain females appendages.
Re-assemblance of order was established by the Captain and 29 Moos were lead away in the direction of the North Pole. As the Captain shepherded the herd away the ex Captains seat clamp was the victim of meddlers leading to adjustments and a wrong way attack of Turners. Distant screaming of the Plane soon corrected the mistake with the ex Cap catching the herd on the Velvet Path. A sneaky switch back forced by the Captain lead us up onto Rhyd y Mewn (me thinks) where the first downhill was to be tackled. Now then being Tail End Charlie can have its benefits as it is often that the lesser mortals of this hallowed club tend to perform beyond the prying eye. It was here that Simon Lie Down Clarke was to exhibit supreme control in negotiating the tricky first 5m of the downhill. He was to negotiate the first steep section with consummate ease sending himself and his stead straight toward the inconsiderately positioned tree (you all know it). Here by careful and calculated manoeuvres of his handle bars he glanced to the left of the tree before conducting a side swipe of the tree using the right cheek of his elderly arse. This was to create a perfect shift of balance only last seen when Olga Korbut won 4 gold medals in the 1972 Olympics. This sublime manoeuvre was to send him on his way onto the less difficult (in fact bl**dy easy section) at which point it all went horribly wrong. Sensing over-jubilation with his last well planned manoeuvre clouded his judgement as to the next. This was his undoing as in typical fashion a lie down was to follow. Here without refrain he decided to deviate from the trail with the finest “endo” money could never buy. Mr Clarkes Orange Five resembled a flying machine whilst the rider was no-where to be seen until found later sniffing for truffles in the undergrowth (wrong time of the year mate – November - March). In typical Moo style he was to his feet in a whip stitch dusting himself off with the professionalism that becomes a Chartered Surveyor mounting his stead and riding off in the distance.
A nasty yes indeed a very nasty climb was to be negotiated to the top of the See-Saw run where Marty struggled to get there blaming many sleepness nights and countless nappy changes. All were to successfully negotiate the See-Saw with the exception of Big Mike who unwittingly made it to the Mast. The pallet was to see Russ puncture and the Plane being daubed with fresh sheep shite by the ever virulent Ex Cap.
The second hour arrived and onward was the ride lead this time by the Deaf ex Boxer One at the healm, but this time to the South Pole with a predictable climb up the fire road to the bench.
Feck knows where the herd went after that as the Ex Cap struggled with a slow puncture; a dodgy pump; dodgy light and a dickie ticker.
Some say there was to be two further offs en route which passed through the quarry. The first by “all the gear but no idea” Sugsy (Rog). Yes he’s looking to spend even more money on his cheap as chips 26.9% APR credit card as he failed to negotiate a 1cm diameter log (yes for the thick among you 0.01m / 10mm or less than ½ inch but slightly more than 3/8 inch). Here the scene was reminiscent of a faller at the infamous Beeches but fortunately the jockey was pronounced fit disappearing into the distance muttering the words “it can’t be me - must be the bike not the rider - must get a new one”.
The second off was to cause an after tremor following the recent earthquake recorded in the epicentre of Gloucester at 11:26 on the 9th August 2010 as recorded by the British Seismology Department. The after tremor said to be greater than the 1.6 magnitude recorded at Gloucester may well have been caused by Big Mike as his 21 stone frame departed company from his over-engineered bike (self proclamation). The details of the off are far from but clear but in any event and his conquest to seek real ale he was able to shrug off impending injury, again dusting himself off and riding off in the distance with his more than sturdy stead.
No further events were to occur apart from the usual Tom – foolery leading all back to the ranch for tucker and ale as was to be expected.
Let’s hope next week is just as exciting.
Ex Cap Knottwitty
Disclaimer: the contents of this report are purely the personal views of the writer and at no time are to be intended to be malicious. Should there be any grievance upon the part of any affected rider then please refer to the MIGGLY MOOS official complaints procedure. Counselling can be made available but only to non Clique members.