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Welcome the new Captaincy

5th January 2011

Kato's Vice Cap Ride

Ride Leader: Vice Captain Newb (Otherwise now known as Kato) - first lead Ride taken .

Riders attended : Capt Daf, Vice Newbs, Pealy, Johnsy, Griff, Schlong, Option, Gaz, , Jock, Crockett, Russ Evans, OBE, Budgie, Young Julian, Young Lewis, Dai the eye, Bernie, Jimmy Mac, Harty, Beaker, Marty, Dode, Roger Purnell, Big Sam

Weather : Tw*tting it down

Ground : Worse than Brisbane!

Temp: 10 degrees

Turnout an impressive 24 in these conditions

Poorest excuse not to ride - Wrighty :- said his bike has been eaten by his dog (well he actually said that his dog has eaten Pealys bike that he has borrowed.) Oh yeh, he said not to tell Pealy. Watch it Jon, if he keeps eating like that he’ll be the same size as you!

Best Excuse - Knotty : He has been recently made aware of a sexual position (based around breasts) that he has never tried before, so he is making up for 40 years of breast sex deprivation and staying in.


At 5.45pm I remember thinking as I looked out the window – I must be mad. The rain was coming down in buckets and had been doing so for the previous 24hrs or so. But tonight was not a night that could be rained off for me, as it was the first ride that I would be leading, so I had to show.

So after discarding the route that I had planned – due to the abnormal weather outside, I put on my gear and left the house at 6.15pm. I didn’t get far, as I had a puncture. Gear off, back in the house, wheel off, mud everywhere, puncture fixed 10 minutes later. I headed out into the monsoon (slightly late) to meet a very impressive 24 riders who were in surprisingly good spirits.

Leaving the Legion at 6.45pm we headed up towards Rudry through the forestry. Staying on the main forestry breaks, we headed up to the boulders at the top. A short recount and then down to the quarry on the quarry run. This was very wet and very very slippery. At first led by myself, the herd followed behind. My lead lasted for about 3 minutes until I got knocked off the bike by a tree that was overhanging the track.

I was soon to be over taken by Gaz, Beaker and a few of the more experienced and other faster riders which pleased me as I then had another 3 sit downs in the mud within the next 45 seconds (which they didn’t see).

It seems though that I wasn’t the only one to have a few minor errors on the way. Various accounts of similar bumps and scrapes were filtering through as we re-gathered at the quarry. It was some time before we moved from the quarry though, as Dode had had a few more sit downs than most and was a little way behind.

Next - straight out of the quarry and down to the Hairybush to have a refresh and a bit of a warm up. A few eyebrows were raised by the local punters at the state of us, as we were in a particularly bad shape due to the wet and muddy conditions.

At this stage Option started timing how long it took an elderly lady to have a poo in the toilet. “25mins” he said , which seemed to please him quite a lot.

Leaving the Hairybush in torrential rain we then took the very steep path that leads from Draethen to the top of the forestry. I picked this tough route as I believed that the path was probably going to be in the best condition out of any of the others and also it was a good opportunity to get the lads warmed back up again. But as hard as it was, not one moan could be heard from the heard.

From there we headed through the forestry and then down the hill toward the Maenllwyd Inn. I decided not to have a pint there as apparently all my disguises have now been detected. Rumour has it that there are 5 different wanted posters (dead not alive) on the toilet walls in the Meanllwyd. They are all of me in different disguises.

They may need a bigger toilet by the summer if they keep this up!

At this stage we lost Marty. Marty hasn’t ridden much recently and to be fair had braved the weather to make this his first ride back out. But at the Maen he decided that he had done enough for his first night out in a while and he made his way back to Machen. He did confirm with me that he will now be back out on a permanent basis, so see you next week then Mart!

We then headed up to the ridgeway. Rumours of the drop of death were circulating behind me which little frightened Lewis Bignall literally p**sed his pants at with fear. Fortunately for Lewis, this wasn’t that noticeable due to the fact that he already was sodden with rain water. Lewis was slightly premature with his bladder failure, fears and tears though, as the drop of death wasn’t even a consideration. (Not on my watch)

Next was the short downhill stretch that comes out at the back of the old Griffin Inn. A regroup there seemed to present the fact that our Captain had become detached from the pack and was missing. He apparently had lost the others outside the Maenllwyd and therefore had decided to head straight to the Monte on the road with Dode (bypassing the last bit of heavy off road we were to encounter for the evening).

A small climb up past the farm toward Rudry Mountain was the final bit of climbing for the night, then down a very very wet single track that resembled a river not a track.

The Monte was a welcome warming stop and the moos seemed to be quite relaxed there. I appreciated the efforts of all who had braved the weather, so let them have extra grazing - 2 pints at this pub.

Feather said that it took his brother (landlord of the Monte) a day to get rid of the smell when we left. It has now emerged that this wasn’t anything to do with the moos mucky and muddy condition. It was because Monkey (the local nutter) had forgotten to wear his incontinence pants that evening.

The final stage was to head toward HQ on the road. A torturous journey in the wet with beery hollow legs for most. This wasn’t helped by the fact that most riders were unfortunate enough to hit the 20mtr puddle just above Waterloo to help finish the night off.


Welcomed by a stack of warm burgers and chips the herd settled in for the duration. Relatively quiet at first, pint in one hand and burger in the other, Sam and Ella sat quietly waiting.

Capt Daf made his weekly speech which to be fair was 100% better than last weeks. With the amount of laughter this guy is starting to create when speaking, I am wondering if the comedian Mr Lloyd Williams may come across as a bit shabby compared to him.

Amongst other things, Daf discussed the Moos comedy night that is planned on the 26th March. He has requested everyone’s full support for the event.


Jimmy Mac telling everyone that he doesn’t need a shower before bed after the ride he has just had! This was particularly funny considering he looked like he just did a week on the TV series “Coal House”. But although we were soaked and covered in Mud he had worn leggings so he was clean and his bed sheets and his Mrs would be unaware. What an example for the Kids Sir! Dirty b***ard!

Pealy taking the p*ss out of a few of the baldies by saying “I’ve got eyebrows that are longer than your hair”. Yes Neal you are right your eyebrows are longer than our hair! In fact - your eyebrows are longer than Jesus’ hair!

Knottys T*t w*nk situation was a good topic of conversation.

Beaker - falling off his chair, obviously the ride had taken it out on him.

Geoff Davies and how he makes a £10 note buy 11 pints.

And finally being joined by Maz who apparently has now hit the dizzy heights of pop stardom in Malawi. Apparently he reckons that he has the same rock status out there as Stuart Cable had in Wales before he died! (None then)

A terrible night for weather, so thanks again to everyone who showed up and made the effort.

Over and out.

Vice Newb

A.K.A. Hong Kong Phooey

Hong Kong Phoeoy

(Can anyone check to see if this picture is on the toilet wall in the Maenllwyd please), as if it isn’t I could use this one next.

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