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Welcome the new Captaincy

19th January 2011

Weather: Crisp and dry

Number of riders: Lots

Guess what, we started at the Legion and set off on a ride….more about that later.

Of greater concern was the number of riders who seemed to disappear during the course of the evening

At the end of our usual mid ride pub stop it was noticed that several riders were either not still with us, or were due to be breaking from the herd.

There were a lot of rumours back at HQ concerning the whereabouts of the missing. Marty was shattered and had to attend to the baby, Jock had a rear mech failure (don’t worry he’s got more bikes than Skenes!) were accounted for.

It was not until Thursday morning, whilst on my morning tea and fruit bun break, that I happened to pick up a newspaper and came across the following articles:

Ystrad Couple Deny Indecent Act On Bicycle

Today in Avon Magistrates Court a charge was read out to a Mr. and Mrs Knott, of Ystrad Mynach, South Wales, that on the late evening of Wednesday 19th Jan, they were seen carrying out an indecent act on a bicycle, whilst on the M32 Motorway.

When quizzed about the couple’s whereabouts on the night in question Mr. Knott replied that they were on the most direct route into the Bristol area.

The defence was keen to point out that Mr. Knotts new found infatuation with breast masturbation has taken over his life! Although not uncommon for senior middle aged men to have these kinds of fetishes, it is rare that they combine them with hobbies such as bicycling!

During the summing-up the judge was keen to pull off the jury from the case for a brief period, reminding them to keep abreast of the facts before them.

The case has been adjourned in the hope that more facts cum to light

Loompas Continued Unrest as Wonka Increases Call-Out Rota’s

The Oompa Loompa fraternity was yet again up in arms (albeit short stumpy ones!) yesterday as their boss, Mr. Willy Wonka, insisted on increasing allocation of call-out duty for his orange-faced short-legged workforce.

The latest victim of this was Oompa Loompa Option James, when on the night of Wed 19th Jan he was ‘called-in’ to work for the fourth time in the same week, apparently to taste 700 boxes of freshly made Wonka Bars, after it was rumoured that Augustus Gloop accidently dispersed some fecal matter (sh*t to you Crock!) into the famous chocolate river, just before he was sucked up into the outlet pipe.

Oompa Loompa James commented through his chocolate stained lips ‘It is obviously not the worst job in the world, plus I am getting time and a turd for doing it, but the fact is the extra call out is interfering with my new year health kick – I was last up Turners Lane the other week!

A spokesman for the Oompa Loompa Union the ‘Chocolate Utilities National Tasters Society’ (which, because it is such a mouthful, is often shortened) made this comment:

Oompa Loompa dumpity day …….. us little Oompas have got something to say

Oompa Loompa dumpity dee …….. f*ck off Mr. Wonka or in your chocolate we will pee

It looks as though this is a battle will not be resolved until well into the New Year.

So there you have it, concern yourselves no more.

..……..right back to the ride ……….. Mr. Bernard had a nasty face plant moment coming off the mast down to the bomb hole. I am pleased to say that that his facial air bags (lips to you, Crock) were engaged before he hit terra firma ………..unlike Griff who, although I didn’t see it, apparently used his nose as a front brake!

I do hope I get loads of merit points for this lovely report.

Shred the gnarl, dudes!!!!

Rivaldo Spindles

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