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Newburys Report

25th May 2011

Rice Captains Ride

29 happy riders met at the legion for a night that was to be a shorter ride than normal due to the fact that our local landlady was putting on a bit of a fair well function for us at the T.A.

I was to take the ride and at around 6.45 we headed up into the forestry with the herd following. It was a very warm evening and very quickly there were mentions of a refreshment stop.

We headed up to the recently re discovered Mossy lane and progressively made our way down to Rhyd-y Gwern lane. Disappointingly there were only a few minor scrapes to report to you all and nothing that could compare to the incident that took place on the same trail a few weeks ago when Dai Bread arms had a catastrophe on the nasty drop and nearly created another Tsunami in Japan. (My family would not be happy!)

Then regrouping at the foot of Mossy lane a few of the herd mentioned how warm it was and how much fluid we had already lost (We had been riding for no more than 15 mins). It was at this stage we all witnessed something rarer than a Ryan Giggs confession…... Jimmy "banana bike" Mac suggesting to the lads that a pub stop at the Hairy Bush would be acceptable. There were gasps and asthma pumps galore following this comment from our Jimbo, so never wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, I said "right you are Sir" and quickly led the pack straight to the Holly Bush.

Sat outside the pub on a lovely warm spring evening drinking a nice cold pint of lager and enjoying the herds jovial mood, I received a phone call from a long lost Moo. It was Jonny Wright looking for the pack. Like a little pig sniffing out truffles, it wasn't long before Wrightys over sized hooter had located us out at the pub.

But the refreshments were not to last for more than one pint and rather quickly we were on our way. We proceeded on with the ride towards Cefn Mably via the country lane and stumbled into a long term injured moo- Simon Clarke. He quickly joined the pack when Roger the Todger foxed him by telling him that we were on our way to another pub (A lie). Stopping at the foot of the long path below Ruperra castle, we climbed the 2 gates and then struggled up the long gravel path. The obvious ones over took the ride leader on the incline (Beaker and Gaz), but one guy who was like a man possessed going up that climb was Reg (AKA God). Some say he is in serious training for the bike fest, others have said that his brother has started riding a bike recently and Reg wants to show him who's boss ??

Top of the hill, a quick regroup and then on towards the castle. Keeping left at the junction we headed toward the Lisvane woods. It was at this stage we started to get a few of the not so regular riders splitting. Wrightys snitch was again in full swing, as he could smell the lager in the Maenllwyd from the other side of the valley. Joining him for an early pint were Marty and Clarkey too. Also it should be mentioned that our very own teenage racing snake Lewis Bignall said that he was shattered and decided to head home. Might have been something to do with the fact that he got knocked out a few days earlier by a cricket ball on the bonse! (Or also the fact that Manon wasn't riding tonight)

Next we headed up the Lisvane woods with no time to spare. Jock took us on a short cut, as we were already at the 8.30 stage (which was the time we were supposed to arrive at the T.A for Juliet's leaving party.)

Through the field then a quick push up to the top, we all hit Ades trail at pace. The conditions were perfect and the trail ran like a dream. What a great trail to finish off the evening. Broke back was the last stage and then back to Hazard County for the real fun and games!


It was the end of month awards tonight, so we started with that.

Tw*t of the month went to someone who we haven't seen for a while for a variation of insulting excuses. His bike has been blamed on more than 2 occasions for his recent absence plus also there were the damaged ribs too that were used as an excuse. He has even been shirking his SCS duties on a Sunday!! This was awarded to Billy "the Willy" Evans.

Next was rider of the month, which was awarded to Russ Ludlow for his Kamikaze display of riding this month. Some say that his new action man stylie lid has brought him super powers?? Whatever it is, I want some! He has only missed 3 out of EVERY ride this year and he thoroughly deserved the Rider of the month title for May.

Well done Russ. "I SAID WELL DONE RUSS" !

Before the lads bolted their pints, we also asked Juliet Emma and Asher up for a fair well drink with the lads. They all protested about the fact that they don't like Guinness, but they were made to stand and drink all the same. Asher stole the show with a superb 2.3 seconds record of downing the Guinness, putting to shame the lads and the other girls. Well done Ash you're a real Moo! Your mum must be so proud !

Flowers, chockies and vouchers were presented to Juliet and the girls to say thank you for all the hard work over the last 2 years. Let's hope the next landlord will put up with us like Juliet has eh?

The night was tipped to be late and crazy. I am glad to say the tippers weren't lying. The beer was flowing a treat and at this stage our new found cider hooligan Jeff Wherlock become slightly loose lipped and let slip that with a few beers on board he has recently had some sexual thoughts about his chickens! Whatever turns you on Jeffrey!! That's one way to get your wings I suppose !

A few hrs had then passed and the next incident was concerning a fellow moo and a pet Python. I can't say anymore about this incident in public for obvious reasons but all I will say is that the culprit was going to go for a super injunction until he realised that the CCTV in the pub has now just gone onto TWITTER. (Just type in masterbaker ....sorry..I mean bater !)

Next incident was concerning our Illustrious president mysteriously hiding in the little boys room. Again it cannot be talked about in public, except the CCTV is now being sent to Gwent police to be used in an attempted rape case…….(on him).

The rest of the night was pretty messy and I was told that we left the pub at gone 3AM.

Also I have been informed that Roger Purnell had to drive me home with my bike in the back of his jeep due to my precarious alcoholic condition!

All in all, a superb night of riding, drinking and laughing.

Happy Days!

Next week is Jonny Wrights ride. Bring your wallet and your drinking boots.

Keep on Moo-ning!

Your Rice Captain… Newbs.

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