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Newbury's Report

4th April 2012

Following a good few weeks of sunshine and abnormally hot weather Capt. Johns asked me to take this week’s ride. The weather soon changed and snow was even forecast for this particular Wednesday.

On the basis of the freezing wind and also the extreme weather forecast, 24 riders still braved the elements and met outside the legion at the standard 18.30hrs. One rider did call me on Tuesday night and explained that he wouldn’t be riding due to the cold weather that was forecast. I won’t mention any names but all I will say is that the following morning I did see him outside Machen infants school with a bag of sweets and a long coat braving the cold conditions. (His arthritis wasn’t very apparent as he frantically chased the kids around the yard).

We set off in the direction of the Maenllwyd through the forestry to Broke back. We have been experiencing a lot of riders shitting out lately on Broke back and tonight would be no exception. Capt. Johns reliably informed me that only 15 out of the 24 riders actually did broke back and the rest went AWOL…..again! Pussies!

Then up through the woods on to the forestry break. An old trail that always seemed to create a few stories was next on the agenda….Mossy lane.

Beaker and Gaz led the way as the rest of the herd followed. Ironically and disappointingly there were very few accidents to mention except for my very own, where both hands seem to fall of the handlebars at speed on a rocky decline. As always I managed to skilfully bring the bike to a halt with the help of my elbows, head and knee pads ….. Much to the delight of Ade who was following and a full witness.

Back then towards Draethen, past the Hairy Bush to the nasty gravel track, we climbed to the top of the forestry once again. This time a new trail was opened to the Moos that has been recently built by the Super cider Sunday lads. This has been named “Strongbow” as a tribute to the Cider Sunday lads and also is a suitably named cousin to our other trail…”Carling”. I can’t wait for Stella!

Next a quick run up to the ridgeway, then over to another new trail that was introduced to us by Feather (although Julian reckons he had something to do with building it). From the top left of Rudry mountain, this track had a few tricky jumps which did cause a few problems for Feather. The track traversed around and down the reverse side of Rudry Mountain until it then cambered down to the Garth.

The Monte was an old haunt that deserved a welcoming pint from us, so we had a quick stop in there. Then a push up to the Maen for another swifty before we headed back to Hazard County.

Again a lovely bit of Munch from Jenny at the T.A. was enjoyed by all. Captain Johns then made a swift announcement that the next sports night is a relay race, which still needs about 5hrs more planning.

During the evening, a few members were complaining that we just don’t seem to hold the same credentials as other rival clubs in the Caerphilly area. It had come to our attention recently that a club very local to Machen…(whose name will not be mentioned), has put in place a code of conduct for their club which the Moos believe we should also introduce as well.

Their code of conduct reads as this:

Club Code of Conduct

Written by Administrator

All rides and events are subject to our code of conduct. If you disagree with this code of conduct, don't come and ride with us.

1)All riders will wear a helmet on all rides.

2)Please carry contact details with you, just in case. We will also have a club phone on all rides, you will be asked for your contact details and your next of kin before riding with us, if your not prepared to give these out, no ride.

3)If you lose the group on a ride, go back to where you were last with the group and wait, we will come back for you. No rider is to be left behind.

4)Please be polite to other club members, members of the public and other road users. We do not discriminate and do not tolerate discriminatory actions or language. Conversations, humour or banter of a racist, sexist, homophobic or inappropriate sexual nature will not be tolerated.

5)Ride in a safe and considerate manner. Stick to the highway code. If the ride is likely to end in the dark ensure you have a working rear light.

6)Care for our environment, don't drop rubbish, infact if you see any and you can, pick it up and bring it back.

7)Extreme drunken behaviour will not be accepted on club rides or during residential trips.

Under 18's

We are keen for younger riders to join our club rides. Any rider under 18, where not accompanied by their parent will require a parental permission slip, these are available from the shop, and we'll try to get an electronic version up ASAP.

Riders under 14 are welcome, but only with their parent or guardian, please ensure that both riders are of a level of fitness and ability suitable for the ride you choose.

Members who are under 18 are not to drink alcohol on club rides, events or trips.

So with some very careful thought and consideration, some of the more senior and intelligent members of the club (2 members of the current management were in this group) decided to also match the rival club and introduce a “MACHEN MIGGLY MOO CODE OF CONDUCT”, in an attempt to prove that anything they can do, we can do better..




All rides and events are subject to our code of despicable conduct. If you disagree with this code of conduct, you’re a Gay.

All safety equipment is deemed to be unnecessary. There is only one type of helmet we always take out with us and that’s the non-removable reversion in our pants.
There is never any need to carry anything on you except a £20 note. If you fall off and injure yourself, all Moo members will make sure that you will always be carried to the nearest public house as long as you spend the £20 with them. No £20 note…no help out of the woods to the pub.

If you lose the group, tough. Use your initiative and meet us at the next pub. No moos will be searched for or picked up unless injured whilst waving the £20 note previously mentioned in point 2.

Please do not be polite to other club members, members of the public and especially other road cyclists. We regularly discriminate and do not tolerate non- discriminatory actions or language. Conversations, humour or banter of a racist, sexist, homophobic or inappropriate sexual nature within the club will always be tolerated and even rewarded. Please note that this is no way a racist club. Our equal opportunities policy has recently been endorsed by our ethnic minorities recruitment campaign recently released, which has introduced both a Chinese and Afro Caribbean rider to the club. (Not to mention the dwarf Oompa loompa,) Unfortunately we have no more room for Gay riders, as we already have Dafydd….who is the only Gay in the village. Women are encouraged to ride, but only for 3 weeks a month, for obvious reasons. This included dykes on bikes.

Never ride safely or in a considerate manner. Only use lights in the event that you have either lost money or you are able to blind a fellow rider which possibly could lead to a very funny crash. As a club we promote the act of pushing our older members off their bikes, preferably into stingies or bramble bushes.

Ignore rubbish and litter. We are not the f*ckin council ! The only can you are allowed to pick up and bring back is a full one with a high alcohol rating.

Extreme drunken behaviour will be rewarded. “The drunker the better” is the ethos of the club and long may it continue. This includes all residential trips (whatever they are ???) This club is all about fun and lets be fair… the drunker you are the funnier everything is!


We are keen for younger riders to join our club rides, especially girls 3 weeks a month. Any rider under 18, where not accompanied by their parent will endorse an all over body frisk by our club president every week plus a 3 month alcohol induction policy, which is conducted at the Tradesmans Arms Bar.

Riders under 14 aren’t welcome, unless looked after by Gordon.

N.B : Members who are under 18 must only drink alcohol on club rides, events or trips and will be taught foul language that they have more than likely never heard before.

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