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Captain Johnsy's address

28th March 2012

Machen Miggly Moo's Psychiatric Report


Introduction

The Flintstone's pants and Harry Hill glasses were passed to me this week to lead the ride.

With 28 rider's turning up I assumed that the weather had surely brought the Moo's out as the weather was glorious along with my extended popularity. With the banter already firing in every direction I led the herd up the velvet, shennanighans had already began with serious hand offs going on, rider's were being 'tossed off' going into big bushes and 'prickly' thornes.

We ascended up towards the mast and down to the kwala tree, then onto the Goon's drop with a few refusals from young Juls, (who isn't so young anymore) Fitman, and Reggie. Some rider's rode on up towards the mast rather than tackle the climb back up from the Goon's drop, to the fire road and up towards Machen tips. When we all caught up with each other we continued to climb on up to the Mast again and down “69'er Turns” the slopes were so fine and knarly we 'shreaded it!' like pro's. Pealy saying “f*****g hell it's too dusty I can't see a thing” not very often if at all do we have the opportunity to make such comments.

Then we headed down a new section of the see-saw trail which Gaz had recently built, pretty knarlly in places, with some nice tight switch backs, etc etc. Then heading over to the Forge where our El Presidente' was observed eyeing up the bar lady, how disgraceful. 3-4 pints there, then back to HQ for delinquents, I mean delicacies of tapas food from Mexico the shennannighans continued. OMG how they continued.............! (the un-edited version will be available on our website by password protection) the awards began and people were brought up from the crowd to drink their Guiness and shots of whiskey. My appologies I can't recollect who had what award. Although the night was as funny as being in a Frankie Boyle comedy night show. Must say Captain Jhonsy and Vice's are doing a spunctastic job and do not fail to impress. Well done so far lads..


Past/Present Psychiatric History

The diagnostic statistical manual vol 3 recommends with such labile mood alterations and impulsive behaviours the only intervention which would have any therapeutic value would be an intense course of intramuscular injections of Rhohipnol 500mgs in to all the Miggly Moos on a 1/52 basis. This would elleviate such symptomology of grandiose delusioal beliefs, delusions of telepathy, thought insertion, errectile dysfunction, hypo- mania, paranoia, aggressive outbursts, hallucinations of responding to unobservable stimuli, deliberate self harming, psycho somatic thoughts, and traits of narcissistic and antisocial personalty disorders. The pilot treatment will be teasted on April fools day, so candidates will need to voluneer. If no volunteers come forward then randomised conrolled tests will be carried out on Moo's unaware of such trials and testing.


Substance Misuse

The World Health Organisation recommends men drink on average 21 units per week. Although Machen Miggly Moo's exceed this average by x4 on a Wednesday night.


Nearest Relative

The nearest relative's costantly complain of not spending enough time with them due to the Moo being so addicted to the Machen Miggly Moo shennanighans and riding and boozing. First point of contact is the Tradesman's Arms: 01633 440739


Conclusion

In reponse to significant trauma in all forms of abuse, potentially fatal accidends, victims of serious crimes, such treatments and therapies will be carried out using gradual exposure approaches to become integrated back into society. Cognitive behavioural therapy to teach the Moo how to change a negative automatic thought into an alternative or balanced belief thus being desensitised to the significant life event or trigger. Moo's need to contact myself on Wednesday nights @ 18:30. Please bring some vaseline and gaffer tape as flooding therapy will also be available.

Dafydd Williams
Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN)

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