Name |
Starting Balance |
Point Awarded |
Points Deducded |
Reason |
Balance Carried Forward |
Beaker |
13 |
1 |
0 |
How
come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?' |
14 |
Griff |
12 |
1 |
0 |
"I
was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had
one." |
13 |
Johnsy |
12 |
1 |
0 |
Two
Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying "Tree
fellers" wanted. Murphy said to Pat, "If
only Seamus had been with us we'd have got that job" |
13 |
Pealy |
12
|
1
|
0
|
Man
runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police
catch him and charge him with having an armalite. |
13
|
Crock |
10 |
1 |
0 |
Murphy
lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian
horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television
replay... |
11 |
Gaz |
9 |
1 |
0 |
Donncha
is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from Bluetongue.
"Bejabbers," Donncha
murmurs, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones" |
10 |
Jimmy Mac |
9 |
1 |
0 |
An
Irish lass, a customer: "Could I be trying on
that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd
prefer that you use the dressing room" |
10 |
Tony Schlong |
9
|
1 |
0 |
"I'm
the unluckiest person in the whole world," moaned
Betty McGrath. "I bought a non-stick pan and
can't get the label off" |
10 |
Jesus |
8 |
1
|
0
|
"That's
my lot," said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. "I've
just had all my teeth out - never again!" |
9
|
Reg |
8 |
1 |
0 |
"The
baby is just like his father," said Pauline McDonald, "but
at least he's got his health." |
9 |
Russ |
8 |
1 |
0 |
"I'd
like some nails," Michael requested of the
travelling tinker. "How long would you like
them?" Asked the man. "Forever, if
thats all right with you", said Michael. |
9 |
Feather |
7 |
1 |
0 |
'"You
three are a right pair if ever I saw one!" |
8 |
Bag of Leaves |
5
|
1
|
0
|
Why
don't Irish Women use vibrators? They chip their teeth! |
6
|
Dickie |
7 |
0 |
1 |
The
Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort,
but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding. |
6 |
Jock |
5 |
1
|
0
|
An
Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded
to know who the other man was! |
6
|
Simon |
4 |
1 |
0 |
"What's
that you're taking, Mick?" asked Jim McGee. "
Tis the secret of a good night out," replied Mick. "It's
a mixture of Benzedrine and Valium. It makes you feel frisky
but if you don't click who cares!" |
5 |
Tom |
6 |
0
|
1
|
What's
Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture |
5
|
Harty |
5 |
0 |
1 |
What's
the definition of an Irish cocktail? A pint of Guinness
with a potatoe in it! |
4 |
Option |
5
|
0 |
1 |
Why
do Irish men wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure... |
4 |
Owgie |
5
|
0 |
1 |
Did
you hear about the Irish accountant who was constipated?
He couldn't budget. |
4 |
Dai Eye |
2
|
1 |
0 |
"I
couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick
and Harry is called Pat!!" |
3 |
Marty |
2 |
1
|
0
|
"Excuse
me", said Mrs McCoy to the butcher. "But
there's a sausage on the floor." "Don't
worry", he said, "I've got me foot
on it" |
3
|
Scrippsy |
2 |
1 |
0 |
"I'll
have fish & chips twice," said Murphy. "Very
well", said the shopkeeper. "The fish
won't be long', Then they'd better be fat",
said Murphy! |
3 |
Daf |
1
|
1 |
0 |
The
late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight
among themselves, is because that way, they're always assured
of having a worthy opponent |
2 |
Julian |
3 |
0 |
1 |
"What's
that you're taking, Mick?" asked Jim McGee. "Tis
the secret of a good night out," replied Mick. "It's
a mixture of Benzedrine and Valium. It makes you feel
frisky but if you don't click who cares!" |
2 |
Bernaard |
2 |
0 |
1 |
Two
ladies on a bus and one said: "And do you know
he put his hand right up my skirt." And the other
replied: "Not the green one with the floral pattern?" |
1 |
Knotty |
0 |
1
|
0
|
Paddy
and Murphy were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, "Murphy,
can you see that beautiful wood over there Murphy, I can't
see, theirs trees in the way!" |
1
|
O.B.E |
-1 |
1 |
0 |
O'Ryan,
asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you
improve your wife Bridget's appearance?" "It
did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it
keeps fallin' off!" |
0 |
Half Pint Farquar |
0 |
0
|
1
|
His
wife had been killed in an accident and the police were
questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before
she died?" asked the sergeant. "She
spoke without interruption for about forty years," said
the Finnegan. |
-1
|
Budgie |
-2
|
0 |
1 |
Did
you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night
on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to
arrive? |
-3 |
Kev
the Plane |
-4 |
1 |
0 |
Paddy
was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
There he was all dressed up and no place to go! |
-3 |
Pellet |
-2 |
0 |
1 |
Pat
and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The
first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey
just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The
other one said "Two rattlesnakes!" |
-3 |
Chrissie |
-3 |
- |
1 |
A
visitor to a small Irish village commented to a local Garda
that it was a quiet little place. The Garda replied, quiet
to be sure, we haven't buried a living soul in years |
-4 |
Tony 2 |
-3 |
0 |
1 |
Two
farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a
country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard
to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and land in a field.
Jimmy say to Eamonn "It's just as well we got
out of that field" |
-4 |
Dode |
-4 |
0 |
1 |
Why
did God invent whiskey? So the IRISH would never rule the
world |
-5 |
Ade |
-6 |
0 |
1 |
There's
more to Ireland and this! |
-7 |
Enzo |
-6 |
0 |
1 |
I'll
take a week off myself... |
-7 |
Ryan |
-8
|
0
|
1
|
Perhaps
he has emigarated to the Emerald Isle? |
-9
|
Slug |
-8 |
0 |
1 |
How
do we know that Christ was Irish? Because he was 33 still
lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought
he was the son of God |
-9 |
Wrighty |
-8 |
0 |
1 |
Why
does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb? One to
change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old
bulb was |
-9 |
